I got 99 problems and 'hovah ain't about to be one.

I remember the first time I ever encountered a jehovah’s witness. I was about nine and my dad had picked me up from school.  I got out of the car to unlock the door and two elderly black men stepped out of their car and approached me asking for my father.  These men were wearing dark suits and overcoats and appeared to be fairly intimidating, sinister even.  I was taught what to do if a stranger approaches you and I was ready to do just that; I wasn’t fast but I knew the block, I knew what doors to knock on.  Two blacks against over a dozen Latinos? (I think we were the only black family in that neighborhood), nobody’s that stupid.  But I’ve digressed.  I was told to go inside by my dad but instead I stayed at the bottom of the stair case. I thought these guys were like bill collectors or gangsters, two sets of people I didn’t particularly care for, and wanted to make sure I heard everything in case they turned out to be the latter.  The point I’m trying to make here is that I didn’t like them.  No reason yet, just a feeling.  I didn’t get all the details, I just knew they were from a church and tried to get my dad to join them, and in the nicest way possible he told them to kick rocks.

               

Last weekend I had a jehova's witness drop by, middle-aged/elderly fellow, just a few years behind my dad. It was the same vulture that swooped by when he got sick a while back, and I had half a mind to tell to piss off, but the initial silliness that he vomited nearly crippled me with laughter:

"You know son, even to this day scientist don’t understand why people grow old and die.  Because, you see when god created adam and eve, he created them to live forever….”

And that’s where he turned into the teacher in a Peanuts TV special, (“wah wah waah, wah”).  For the next five minutes it took everything I had not to cut him off and ask, “I know this is the south, I know I’m a black man, and thus born into a culture that is all but incurably religious, but really? REALLY? How stupid do I truly look to you?? What scientists have you been talking to? Did you even go to college?” I’ll bet you’ve only read one book in your life, haven’t you?  And it’s getting you chewed out on a total stranger’s doorstep right now.” Just a few key questions I might have next time.  

This makes the fourth time this joker’s been by.  I don’t make a fuss because I sincerely try to respect my elders and I don’t see the point in a throwing away 20 minutes of my life on an impromptu debate when I can let the monkey chatter for 5 minutes and then watch him scurry away and give someone else a headache.  I know he’ll be back.  He can come back as often as he likes, he can leave a stack watchtower journals as tall as I am,  that just means I’ll save some money on toilet paper.  Just sayin’. 

It's not terribly difficult dealing with jw's.  It only takes three to five minutes to let them sit there and yak and it's an interesting exercise in discipline.  I try to see how long I can go without snickering or just flat out calling 'bullshit'.  Once they leave they don't come back for months.  The main thing is DO NOT LET THEM INTO THE HOUSE, otherwise they'll be more and more comfortable stopping by.  That's the last thing you need.